That’s How I Roll in the Morning

I awake with a general sense of happiness and fulfillment. My mind is simply sharp, focused, where I need to be. No yawn, eyes rubbing or silly stretches are needed.

I turn my completely relaxed neck to the face the clock: 5:25am, it says. I haven’t needed an alarm in years, always waking up fully energized 5 minutes ahead of schedule. I roll to a sitting position over satin sheet weaved from the finest silk in the far corners of the orient, and step off my king-sized waterbed.

Nature calls. Bowel movements first thing in the morning, that’s how I roll thanks to chia seeds’ high content of dietary fiber. Number 2 is a quick affair for me. Perfectly shaped, odorless, light brown stools drop unobstructed into the toilet. The exits are so smooth and clean that I don’t even need to wipe.

After brushing my teeth with an electric brush that incorporates the latest plaque removal and gum comfort technologies, I examine the pearly whites in the bathroom mirror, and I take the opportunity to briefly admire my smooth, tanned skin as well – absolutely free of blemishes, dark circles and wrinkles. “Ready for your morning workout?” I say to my dashing reflection. “Of course I am, don’t be silly. I’m born ready.”

Before heading out for a barefoot run, my butler Alfred hands me “The Runner Elixir”, which consists of chia seeds hand picked by Tarahumaras wise men and flown overnight from Copper Canyon, Mexico. These little Omega-3-rich and macro-nutrient-packed miracles are mixed with natural spring water from the peaks of Patagonia and fresh-squeezed lemon juice. It’s sporting energy lovingly created by Mother Nature. Properly hydrated and fueled, I bound shoeless along the riverside trail. “I’ll just do a quick 26miler this fine morning.”

Up ahead are three men pedaling on tri-bikes.

“On your left,” I announce before gliding past. “Morning fellas, nice bikes, have a nice ride.” Good manners are of paramount importance to me.

When I overtake each morning runner and biker, I feel their stares bearing down on my perfectly shaped gluteus maximus and calf muscles. The attention is a bit annoying but I can’t blame them, after all how can you resist a flawless balance of fine-tuned muscles, lean fat and hairlessness. It’s just the hazards of being ridiculously good looking and in peak physical fitness.

I return to my front yard in 2 hours 22 minutes, and proceed to complete the rest of my morning work out with 150 spider push ups, 200 one-handed pull ups, 250 burpees, a 15-minute plank and 500 reverse crunches. It’s my easy, active-recovery routine.

Afterwards my fitness band, in the voice of 1985 Whitney House, sings out my fitness stats: new 26 mile PR…3,450 calories burned…optimal heart rate…impeccable muscle and bone density…ideal BMI…8.2% body fat…please hydrate 2 liters of water…and your sweat smells like lavender…

As soon as I enter the front door, Alfred is there with my daily green smoothie on top of a silver tray forged in London during the 19th Century. The drink has over 15 vegetables and fruits, which I had found time out of my highly lucrative banking career to organically grow in my half-acre garden. They are precisely blended and mixed into a solution at 7.38 pH level to replenish my well-oiled machine of a body.

Alfred says, “sir, the steam room is ready—”

“Get up you lazy sack of shit,” my wife screams and the snoozed alarm clock lands 3 inches from my head. “It’s your turn to make breakfast for the kids.”

I then stumble to the kitchen to make myself a glass of chia and lemon water to kick off another day.

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